KenyaBuzz Blog

Archive for August, 2011

X-Men: First Class (Or Not)

by on Aug.03, 2011, under Movies and Series

It would appear a correction is necessary in the title of X-Men: First Class: this movie should have been called X-Men Origins: Magneto. Here we have another film that is in line with Hollywood’s collective agreement to completely disregard original comic book storylines and create something even more far-fetched than mutated human beings with superpowers. Hollywood’s uncanny ability to turn fiction into “Mutated Fiction” is just impressive, in my opinion.

A young Professor X playing woodland creature in Narnia.

The movie features James McAvoy as a rather interesting choice for Professor Xavier seeing as the last time I saw this man he was shooting magic bullets which curve alongside Angelina Jolie in Wanted.

Professor X practices his gun play with a "Fox"

Magneto is played by Michael Fassbender, I have NO idea who this is, in fact, Wikipedia tells me was in Inglorious Basterds. Finally, Kevin Bacon plays the villain Sebastian Shaw. Bacon (the man, not the food) in my opinion has NEVER been interesting other than when he was invisible in Hollow Man.

Everyone else is irrelevant and that is not my personal opinion: that is according to the amount of time accorded to individual character monologues.
The main stories in the movie are those of Charles Xavier aka Professor X and Erik Lehnsherr aka Magneto: everything else was just unnecessary filler. Quite frankly Professor X’s story was also unnecessary filler.
So let’s get the dull stuff out of the way first: Professor X was a dog back in his day. He used his telepathy to hit on women, he had a thick head of hair and he worked for a neglected branch of the CIA, which recruited some rather dull mutants to fight a war against highly organized and experienced foes who know what they are doing but somehow lose in the end (oops, sorry did I forget to say spoiler alert?).

Edi Dorns Fangs and Dreadlocks to be a Vampire in Twilight.

Another “fun fact” about this movie is that it features Kenyan-born Edi Gathegi as Darwin, a mutant who adapts to survive. Yes, all ye comic book fans going “Who?” right now, that is an indication of just how uninteresting this particular character is (FYI, the black guy didn’t make it to the end of the movie, so we can classify it as a horror flick too). However, I must commend Mr. Gathegi for going all the way, since his appearance in the series House, and redeeming himself from his role in the Twilight saga.

Rather Buff for a 91 year old.

Now, on to the interesting business. If this movie was focused solely on the story of Magneto, it would have been a major hit in my opinion. I mean, his story has it all: a Jewish child born with a strange inexplicable gift in an era of Nazi oppression, put in concentration camp with his family, torn from his mother who is then murdered by a psychopathic Nazi doctor who proceeds to experiment on the boy to test the boundaries of his strange mutant powers. This boy then grows up, escapes and embarks on a journey of infiltration, espionage and revenge to kill the man who killed his mother. That tale has all the makings of an epic. But NO, they decided to protect their precious “PG13” rating and give people an hour of whimsical jokes and 60s music.
So is it worth the 300 shillings? If, like me, you are a diehard comic book fan, way past the appropriate age for such interests, then I would say save your money. But if all you want to see is special effects and some romance, and get a chance to giggle for an hour and a half then go for it. I promise, I will not judge you.

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The Cleavage Barrage

by on Aug.03, 2011, under Social Studies

I want to make this very clear right off the bat that this article is in no way a complaint or nor is it a “call for change” fueled by some misguided sense of superior morality. This is actually a celebration of something I have noticed going on in this big city lately.

Katy Perry on Sesame St.

TO VIEW ELMO’S REACTION TO THIS CLICK HERE.

Women of Nairobi have become rather brazen lately when it comes to the display of their feminine wares. Low cut tops have become the order of the day (Sunday-Sunday), low enough to reveal things that I suspect Victoria intended to remain secrets. Offices, churches, streets, even homes are no longer safe for a red blooded male.

Let me set the scene for you. Walking through the central business district (Tao) from the bus station on my way to work one fine Tuesday morning, I popped into the Baker’s Inn next to the Archives for my morning muffin. Standing in line in front of me is this sexy little number in a grey pin striped business suit. I say sexy because I only have a view from the back, all I can see is the thick brown braids my friend the co-worker tells me are called “Uzi”, and the tight embrace of a soft looking suit. Guys, let’s just say God has been kind to this woman when it comes to curvature.

Latina Siren Salma Hayek

She goes up to the counter first with me behind her, objectifying her all the way. The first thing which pulled my attention back to eye level is the reaction of the guy behind the counter as she was ordering. His eyes were fixed on her bust area and yes, the term to describe it is “fixed”.

The guy gives me a quick eye-lock and raises his eyebrows as if asking “Dude, did you see this side of things?” Immediately my mind went to those silly T-shirts I see women wearing sometimes reading “Mbele Pia Iko Sawa!” on the back.

At this point our heroine realizes where the salesman is looking and bellows at him “Unanishugulikia ama kuna kitu ingine unataka?” The salesman immediately comes back from wherever he was (my guess somewhere at the playboy mansion) and serves her as quickly as possible. While he is fumbling through the pastries under the counter this woman turns around looks at me and says, “This guy is so rude!”

A lot more modest but still pretty exposed. Michelle Williams

Now, I realize that she turned to me looking for a sympathetic ear but her turning around only revealed things to me from the salesman’s point of view. People, if you are not offended by now, you are about to be. Pardon my saying it this way but the word “succulent” can be brought into use here. This woman had a body on her which reminded me of my days as an awkward teenager hiding skin magazines under my bed with rather exaggerated portrayals of the female form.

To make matters more interesting, she was wearing a low cut top displaying her cleavage and allowing a little tease of the black lace on either side of the cup as if screaming “Look Here!!!!” and like the salesman, I was doing just that. She then scoffs, pays her bill, takes her order and leaves in a huff. As she is walking away I hear her saying “Men are all the same”.

Celebrities + Young Impressionable Ladies = Society Today

This is not an isolated event, it has been happening to me rather often. At first I thought I was just slowly degrading into perversion (which I am fine with) but in reality Nairobi has become a cleavage competition. Women are out on display in all their spherical glory and we men are at their mercy because looking is a sin punishable by public shaming, verbal lashes and if having all female bosses is anything to go by, suspect a visit to the Human Resources officer for a “seminar” is in my future for writing this article.

Here is the kick in the stomach lads, the display is NOT for us to find the more viable candidates to sire our offspring, oh no, do not delude yourselves. They are doing it PURELY out of spite for EACHOTHER. Apparently, a conversation with my girl the stylist (yes, am a metrosexual man, I have one) reveals that the one thing a woman cannot stand is NOT being the center of attention in a room. In addition, she tells me that it has to do with “freedom” or “liberation” or something of the sort.

Here is MY take on it. Ladies, if you want to put the universe on display to spite other women that is FANTASTIC. In fact, I will endorse it. My name is Grim and I support this cause but I request, please, when men do enjoy the view, it is not because we are perverted, it is only because it is biological nature to select mates based on certain provocative traits. I would go as far as to say, it is a compliment, a symbolic display of interest, my friend the albino usually tells women, “We stare because we care”.

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